Anonymous

To _ _ _ _ _ _ :

I know your first and last name, and your origins. I know where you went to school, and the skills you possess. Your thick accent is your biggest weapon, accompanied with your impeccable hygiene, and distinguishable style. You seem so different from all of "them", you're wise beyond your _ _ years of life. You make me wonder what you do when you get home, who your ex-boyfriends are, and in case you notice this "old-school" crush I have on you, what do you tell your friends about me, do you say something like "this 17 year old boy has a crush on me" or what I love imagine you saying "this CUTE boy has a crush on me, I can tell--only if he wasn't 17"-- but it's not just a crush, it's beyond a single crush, it's more of an admiration to your persona.
The fantasies I've created about you--not just sexually. The things I imagine you do when you're out on a date, what type of music you listen to, and how breakable you seem you are when you watch sad movies. I noticed the way you hold out your right hand everytime it's cold, which makes me imagine me putting my jacket on your shoulders so the cold won't get to you and quickly hold you by your firm waist, while you walk with your head near my chest, I'll be cold--but I'll play it off. How surprised you looked on friday when I said hi to you, which also caused some sort of confussion in me which lead to exciteness. The striped pull over you wore, and the Levi's straight leg men's jeans.
I ask myself a lot of questions about you, and I make up a lot of these answers. In my head, you're more than perfect--you make me want to be just like you when I get to your age. I admire you and your braveness.
Sometimes, I really wish I don't get to fully know you, because I like all of these things I've made up about you in my head, and I don't want to prove myself otherwise.
I wonder if at least one time, just one time you've felt the same thing about me. Have you ever thought of what I was doing out of nowhere? or if my parents knew I was gay? or if I had a boyfriend? or if I was completely different than what you think I am? All the same questions I've asked myself about you.
I won't forget that time, when I was wearing all black and my favorite shoes, with my favorite bag, and were walking towards each other's opposite destination, and you were looking down, but as soon as you saw my bag, you looked up and looked at me, walked slower, looked at me from head to toes. Producing my brains too many thoughts and questions, some of them were, "did you like my outfit? did you think it was ridicolous? did you think I was trying to hard? did it look like I was playing office dress up? did you like me, and just me? did it spark some sort of interest in you?"
I wonder if you can look right through me. Can you tell I'm a complete mess when it comes to boys? How shy I am around them? How I never know when they flirt with me? How naive and childish it makes me seem? Do you know I get nervous when our eyes meet? And how clumsy that makes me act? How I try to act cool when I'm around you, but how asshole looking I think I come off as? Please say you don't.
These questions feed my vanity and ego, but help me keep my sanity. Maybe someday, because I know myself, will promise to ask you out, or become friends with you, and know all about your life: the places you've been to, the goals you have, I'll get introduced to your mom & dad, and I'll reciprocate the same action--but until our ages even out, and the lust phase in me has vanished, and maybe but maybe some day, I'll show you this--this unedited letter, where I don't care about grammar or sentence order, where I don't care about making sense or making points or if any stranger is going to read it, where I don't care if I sound like a 13 year old girl.

YOU are the man I want to be when I grow up, and what man I want to be with when this happens.

Sincerely yours right this very moment,
Eddie Aranda.
xo.

Currently Listening to: "Fucking Boyfriend" by The Bird & The Bee.

"There is something wrong
And there is something right
When you can take me by the hand
And I will close my eyes

When you laid down with me
You took the other side
When you laid down with me
You never slept that night

Are you working up to something
But you give me almost nothing
Keep me hopeless
Up to something
On my knees

Would you ever be my
Would you be my fucking boyfriend
Ah ah ah ah, ah ah ah ah
Would you ever be my
Would you be my fucking boyfriend
Ah ah ah ah, ah ah ah ah
Would you ever be my
Would you be my fucking boyfriend
Ah ah ah ah, ah ah ah ah

Are you an amateur
Or is it you're unkind
To torture all the other girls
You keep me by your side
Are you unsatisfied
You can't make up your mind
When you can take me by the hand
And I will close my eyes

I would be so winning
So absolutely winning
A guarantee in melody
A promise in the sky

Would you ever?"